/the wrong way

DEAR DUMB DIARY

Sunday, August 22, 2010 @{ 10:55 PM }

I've seen people doing that 30 day letter challenge. No, I am not going to actually do it. But it got me thinking of what I would say... And well, I may as well.

Dear Best Friend
I don't know, I really don't.

There was a time when I thought you should have been there. Thought you should have noticed I needed you. Why did you wait to offer me your help until I'd found someone else to help me? Only then did you say anything and even act as though you valued me in your life. When I was slipping even further away from you, and towards someone else. When you were losing me.

It rarely feels like you're my best friend. It's hard not to wonder if we're really friends at all, or if we're just kidding ourselves pretending. But you seem to be the only one somewhat interested in having the status of a best friend to me. So I guess that in itself makes you the one that gets it.

It's almost as if it's past repair at this stage now. Our conversations mostly feel forced and awkward, with you leaving the closeness of our relationship completely up to me. Do I want to come? Honestly, no. I want to run and sink into the safety of my sheets. But I might want to come if you seemed like you wanted me there. You could decide for me. I want you to want me there... Maybe you do, but are sick of offering and getting rejected. Or maybe not, for whatever reasons. I can't tell the difference.

We have this weird kind of relationship where sometimes you're my favourite person in the world and we're close and I feel like you're there, really there. And you have ended up in many of my most valued memories this way. But then the other half of the time I just feel so... angry. At you. Why does it seem like all these other people are more important to you than I am? Why are you completely ignoring me? I know you can't give me all of your attention. And I know I definitely don't deserve all of your attention. But still, it's difficult to comprehend...

Yeah, a lot of the time I kind of hate you. Hate that you can fuck with me like this when you're just trying to keep everyone satisfied. Hate that you're so goddamn good with people that everyone naturally loves you. Always the favourite, and I'm just left behind in your shadow. It's a terrible reason to hate you, I know. But then it makes me wonder; if I hate you, what are you giving them that you're not giving me? How, exactly, do you manage to keep all these people loving you when it simply hurts too much for me to be your friend? Maybe it does come down to needing to sacrifice someone from your life so you have enough space for all the rest.

It's hard to maintain our friendship. Hard to go for a few weeks without it fucking up somehow, forming this coldness and indifference. It just creates this cycle. You hurt me, I hurt you, you hurt me... On and on. I am so fucking sick of it, but I don't see this cycle ever ending. It shouldn't be this difficult. Best friends shouldn't have to try. They should be willing to, if need be, but it shouldn't be a requirement like it is for us. And I'm just not sure if I am willing. I don't know if I want to try... There are times when I feel as though I've completely given up on my friendship with you. Almost wish it were that easy.
I hate it.

Friday, June 19, 2009 @{ 6:01 PM }

2009 READING LIST;;
I know, I know, no one cares.

After the Wreck, I Picked Myself Up, Spread My Wings and Flew Away - Joyce Carol Oates
Looking for Alaska - John Green
The Other Half of Me - Emily Franklin
The Black Book; Diary of a Teenage Stud Vol I: Girls, Girls Girls - Jonah Black
The Black Book; Diary of a Teenage Stud Vol II: Stop, Don't Stop - Jonah Black
The Black Book; Diary of a Teenage Stud Vol III: Run, Jonah, Run - Jonah Black
The Black Book; Diary of a Teenage Stud Vol IV: Faster, Faster, Faster - Jonah Black
Let's Get Lost - Sarra Manning
Morganville Vampires 01 - Glass Houses - Rachel Caine
Morganville Vampires 02 - The Dead Girls Dance - Rachel Caine
Morganville Vampires 03 - Midnight Alley - Rachel Caine
Morganville Vampires 04 - Feast Of Fools - Rachel Caine
Morganville Vampires 05 - Lord Of Misrule - Rachel Caine
Morganville Vampires 06 - Carpe Corpus - Rachel Caine
Uglies 01 - Uglies - Scott Westerfeld
Uglies 02 - Pretties - Scott Westerfeld
Uglies 03 - Specials - Scott Westerfeld
Uglies 04 - Extras - Scott Westerfeld
Vampire Academy 01 - Vampire Academy - Richelle Mead
Vampire Academy 02 - Frost Bite - Richelle Mead
Vampire Academy 03 - Shadow Kiss - Richelle Mead (where my url came from)
Oh My Goth - Gena Showalter
Before I Die - Jenny Downham
House Of Night 01 - Marked - P.C. Cast & Kristin Cast
House Of Night 02 - Betrayed - P.C. Cast & Kristin Cast
House Of Night 03 - Chosen - P.C. Cast & Kristin Cast
House Of Night 04 - Untamed - P.C. Cast & Kristin Cast
House Of Night 05 - Hunted - P.C. Cast & Kristin Cast
Georgia Nicolson 03 - Knocked Out By My Nunga Nungas - Louise Rennison
Memaid Park - Beth Mayall
Evernight 01 - Evernight - Claudia Gray
Evernight 02 - Stargazer - Claudia Gray
The Suicide Year - Lena Prodan
The Blood Coven 01 - Boys That Bite - Marianne Mancusi
The Blood Coven 02 - Stake That! - Marianne Mancusi
The Blood Coven 03 - Girls That Growl - Marianne Mancusi
Jessica Darling 01 - Sloppy Firsts - Megan McCafferty
Jessica Darling 02 - Second Helpings - Megan McCafferty
Jessica Darling 03 - Charmed Thirds - Megan McCafferty
Jessica Darling 04 - Fourth Comings - Megan McCafferty
Thrill Ride - Rachel Hawthorne
Suite Dreams - Rachel Hawthorne
Snowed In - Rachel Hawthorne
Cruising The Caribbean - Rachel Hawthorne
Blue Bloods 01 - Blue Bloods - Melissa de la Cruz
Blue Bloods 02 - Masquerade - Melissa de la Cruz
Blue Bloods 03 - Revelations - Melissa de la Cruz (kind of where my blog title came from)
Among Friends - Caroline B. Cooney
Darkest Powers 01 - The Summoning - Kelley Armstrong
Darkest Powers 02 - The Awakening - Kelley Armstrong
Sweep 01 - Book Of Shadows - Cate Tiernan
Sweep 02 - The Coven - Cate Tiernan
Sweep 03 - Blood Witch - Cate Tiernan
Sweep 04 - Dark Magick - Cate Tiernan
Sweep 05 - The Awakening - Cate Tiernan
Sweep 06 - Spellbound - Cate Tiernan
Sweep 07 - The Calling - Cate Tiernan
Sweep 08 - Changeling - Cate Tiernan
Sweep 09 - Strife - Cate Tiernan
Sweep 10 - Seeker - Cate Tiernan
Sweep 11 - Origins - Cate Tiernan
Sweep 12 - Eclipse - Cate Tiernan
Evermore - Alyson Noel
Winter - John Marsden
Burning Eddy - Scot Gardner
The Vampire Diaries 01 - The Awakening - L.J. Smith
The Vampire Diaries 02 - The Struggle - L.J. Smith
The Vampire Diaries 03 - The Fury - L.J. Smith
The Vampire Diaries 04 - Dark Reunion - L.J. Smith
The Vampire Diaries 05: The Return - Nightfall - L.J. Smith
The Red Cardigan - J.C. Bourke
Tattoo Faeries 01 - Wicked Lovely - Melissa Marr
Tattoo Faeries 02 - Ink Exchange - Melissa Marr
Tattoo Faeries 03 - Fragile Eternity - Melissa Marr
How Not To Be Popular - Jennifer Ziegler
Teenage Mermaid - Ellen Schreiber
Night World 01 - Secret Vampire - L.J. Smith
Night World 02 - Daughters Of Darkness - L.J. Smith
Night World 03 - Spellbinder - L.J. Smith
Night World 04 - Dark Angel - L. J. Smith
Night World 05 - The Chosen - L.J. Smith
Night World 06 - Soulmate - L.J. Smith
Raven - Allison Van Diepen
Saving Zoë - Alyson Noël
Pretty Little Liars 02 - Flawless - Sara Shephard
Pretty Little Liars 03 - Perfect - Sara Shephard
Pretty Little Liars 04 - Unbelievable - Sara Shephard
Pretty Little Liars 05 - Wicked - Sara Shephard
A Modern Faerie Tale 01 - Tithe - Holly Black

Up to 21/7/09
It's kind of funny, because I don't even like reading that much.

Labels: reading list

Thursday, May 28, 2009 @{ 6:32 PM }

SIGNS

I keep seeing, hearing things everywhere. The kind of things that are supposedly coincidences. But I swear they’re trying to tell me something. They’re screaming at me, trying to get my attention. Or maybe I’m just seeing things, trying to convince myself that something that doesn’t exist is trying to tell me something I want to hear. That something, somewhere out there is trying to guide me.

Are they signs, or have I just gained some hyperawareness for the subject since I've thought about it?

And even though I believe in this form of guidance that probably is just an over-active imagination, I can't bring myself to believe in a God. Because if I do believe that some greater being is in control of everything, I can't help but think that all these things are here just to punish me.

Tarot
Mother dearest found her tarot cards and gave them to me for some reason, though I never asked.
Anyway, I tried to use them, asking about
- Life in general
- Life - romantically
...
Romantically, my best outcome is represented by The Fool. The Fool is driven by impulse and lack of sense/experiences. That would be my best outcome. But surely an outcome that will never manifest.
However, my final outcome is represented by Justice. For both 'questions', if you can call them that.
But Justice for who? Me, or everyone else? Who’s opinion of justice? Mine, or theirs? What is their opinion? I know what I think they think, but is that really what they think?
This leads me to one final question: What is justice?

Do you ever find that posting your inane thoughts on a blog somehow causes them to lose meaning? In my head, they seem thoughtful. But if I post them on here, they seem like a bunch of stupid words, desperate for acknowledgement.
They seem stupid, because I realise people who read it probably won’t understand them the way I do.
They won’t understand them, because they’re not me.

Or maybe they will understand them. But they're still not me.

Sunday, May 24, 2009 @{ 1:06 PM }

SHOOT ME

Saturday Night (i.e. last night):
Midnight to dawn (6am) @ Zone 3
With Drew, Nathan, Martin, Carl and several other people
- After the first game, this girl was trying to sleep on the ground. So, you’d expect that she’d be pretty slow in the next game, right? Wrong. She was completely psycho. For most of the game she was chasing me and swearing at me. We asked her how she suddenly got so energetic and she said, “Because of the darkness,” or something like that. Lol. She’s energetic in the dark ;)
- Afterwards, she apologised profusely for swearing at me. She said she loves me (of course)
- Sometime within the next couple of hours she retreated to her car to sleep.
- Nathan was asking many stupid questions to the (old&fat) guy that was working. At one stage he said he was waiting for him to ask him out. The guy said, “Unfortunately, I’m married.”
But then I think he said, “Nah, that’s just my excuse. Honestly, he’s too ugly for me.”
Lol, what a bitch.
- When that guy was making dancelike movements, Drew pretended to grope him.
- Okay, witch. I know you want to know about him. One guy playing (that also works at Zone 3) looked like a witch. He has long witch hair and a crooked nose. While stroking his chin he looked like a witch. While making hand gestures he looked like a witch, casting a spell. When he slumped while walking, he looked like a witch. I told him several times that he looks like a witch. I think he was offended...
But OMG, Nathan didn’t even think that he looked like a witch. And Drew thinks he looks like one of the Aphex Twin guys... (Like the supposed little kids in the clip ‘Come To Daddy’)
- Anyway, he is my new best friend. His name is Andrew and I have his number HAHAHAHA.
- Drew says we should make a real-life RPG in which Andrew is the witch. I dunno what I am o_o

The games... were so much better than normal ones.
- Standards – three teams, kill each other and each others’ bases.
- ‘Colours’ – pretty much three separate games. You only kill people the same colour as you plus the normal bases. If you kill people on the other teams then you lose points.
- Free for all – everyone has 6 lives.
- Vampire – Someone starts as a vampire. They have faster shooting speeds and get stunned for less time. Everyone else is a civilian with 6 lives. The first two people to lose their 6 lives become vampires.
- Predator – Like vampire, but the predator doesn’t infect other people. Their pack has no lights. My lovely witch friend was the predator. HE WASN’T A VERY GOOD FRIEND TO ME. Martin, Nathan, Drew and I were hiding, but he came and interrupted our orgy! How rude...
- Some other game – everyone has 6 lives, there are teams. A person from each team was picked to be a traitor, so pretty much their aim was to kill everyone, especially their own team. I was the traitor in this. I’m a terrible traitor... I completely died after like 2 minutes, and I only killed two of my team mates.
- Fortress – the light zone is the fortress. The game consists of a hostage, terrorists and a SWAT team. The terrorists and their hostage are in the fortress. The SWAT team aims to rescue the hostage. Every time they enter the fortress and are deactivated, they have to go back to the dark zone before they can keep shooting.
- A game in which we were meant to actually defend our bases. I think after a while everyone gave up defending them...
Reloads come into these games somewhere, but I can’t remember which ones. They’re starting to blur together. Anyway, with reloads, you don’t have unlimited ammo, so every 30 (or other amount) shots, you have to go to one of the three reload places and stand under the light.
Can’t remember any other games.
Aaaaah, so awesome.

Then, afterwards, we went to McDonalds. Who happens to be working at the cash register at that time? Ellie. Just after 6am. Haha.. Not sure if she saw me though.
Also, when we were driving past, there was some guy, in a suit, sleeping (dead?) against the fence with barbed wires surrounding that place...
Then when we were walking home from where Carl dropped us off, there was some super old man riding his bike. He had pretty sexy socks...

Anyway, that’s it. That took a longggg time to write. And I’m still not tired. Yet I sort of am... But I’m so awake. I slept for about an hour and a half last night before we went, but that’s it.
Also, the picture obviously isn't actually laser tag. But... Close enough?

Oh, did I forget to mention I pretty much mega-ly failed in all the games?

Labels: laser tag

@{ 12:18 PM }

BEHIND CRIMSON EYES

I can’t sleep. I should be able to, but I can’t. So while I’m awake I may as well recount the past two nights. In two separate posts, since they're pretty long..

Friday Night:
Behind Crimson Eyes @ Manning Bar, USYD
With Drew, Nathan, Will, Oskar and his friend, Cameron
- This doesn’t really have anything to do with the concert, but Oskar and Cameron were telling us how at their school (all guys) there are lots of homosexuals. They apparently give each other head in the bathrooms.
- We had something that said ‘Half price cock’ on it (torn out from something – red rooster? Adult shop? I have no idea.) Drew walked around with it tucked into his pants. I don’t think anyone saw that though. Then they put it on some fat girl’s shoulder. She subsequently

leaned over the barrier and it fell on the other side.
- The Mission In Motion, Ellington, Sleep Parade and Behind Crimson Eyes were meant to play. But Ellington didn’t come :o
- The Mission in Motion’s vocalist does not look at all as I would have imagined... Aaahs, look. -->
- Sleep Parade’s drummer looked like he was having multiple orgasms while playing.
- Some bald man (who was probably like 40) came and started dancing (in old man style... kind of) to the music while undoing his cuffs and untucking his pink shirt from his pants. Maaaan, what a party animal! I think Nathan went and danced with him for like one second.
- There was some chick that had a somewhat visible moustache. Of course, the guys thought this was totally hilarious and just HAD to take a picture of her. They weren’t very subtle about it... She turned around several times partially covering her face. In the end they got a decent picture though. They nicknamed her ‘man-lady.’
- Behind Crimson Eyes were pretty amazing. At the beginning I was in the mosh, but after like one song I somehow got pushed out of it.
- While they were in between songs, Josh (vocalist) said, “We all have swine flu because we had sex with pigs.”
The guitarist (Aaron?) responds saying something like, “You should stop referring to your mother as a pig.”
- In some song when Josh pretty much gave the microphone to the crowd, Oskar sung into it, I think. He was terrible.
- Cameron was extremely excited afterwards. The drummer threw his water bottle into the crowd and he drank out of it. He also caught his spit in his hand... “I didn’t know what it was, but I just reached out and caught it!” For some reason he thinks this is a good thing. He says that this means he practically kissed the drummer.
- Josh told him to fuck off, as he was trying to touch his tag. He also finds this exciting.
- He claims he practically lost his virginity. Apparently his balls were rubbing against someone. He doesn’t know, nor care who was touching him. He also was touching some girl.
- Afterwards, he asked Aaron for his beanie. He got it. While he and Oskar were running, Oskar’s wallet fell out of his pocket. Drew offered it to Aaron, haha. Aaron took it. But then Oskar got it back.
- We got a photo with Josh (as you can tell). In the first one I wasn’t really in it because I was behind everyone, so we got another.
- Oskar got his stomach signed... ?
- As Josh was leaving there was a lovely group hug. I wasn’t really in it though. I didn’t fit :(
That’s about it... Got home a bit before 2am.

Not sure if all of that makes much sense, but there you go.

Labels: concert

Friday, May 8, 2009 @{ 11:08 PM }

OBSERVATION

Random thoughts/occurrences I would like to share:

1) For some reason throughout this past week I keep getting this feeling that I’ve forgotten something. Or lost something. My mind? No... Not this week.
This week, it would be more accurate for me to say that I’ve found my mind. Oh, but I'll lose it again soon enough.

2) A couple of days ago, I heard someone on the bus talking. I won’t say who it was or who they were referring to because it’s totally irrelevant, but anyhow (please excuse the overdramatic documentation of this one-sided conversation):
“LIKE OH MY GOD, she like never talks to me. It’s so because she thinks she’s too good for me. But she’s NOT too good for me!!1!!111!!!!!”
These three sentences (though I’m fairly sure the speaker drew out these three sentences into about ten) make me sick. Ughhh, I could say more about this but I won't bother. Can you say conceited bitch?
And I know that to some extent we are all guilty of talking like this, feeling like this. And that’s sad, sad, sad. It just confirms the fact that we are all irrevocably fucked.

3) Moving on... I received my lovely CD containing several eBooks about Wicca/other ‘magickal’ topics. From eBay.
Somehow just reading about gemstones made me feel so calm and comfortable. Inner peace. Thoughts were going through my mind that I never would have expected to think of – they were way too positive. It put me in kind of a meditative state.

4) I was deciding whether or not I wanted to go to the observatory with my dad and his atheist friends (I wanted to go because I couldn’t remember what the observatory was like, but I didn’t want to be stuck with my dad.)
Actually, I wasn’t really deciding. I can’t even decide a simple thing like that. No, I had to ask other people whether I should.
Then I remembered Tazman and I had a conversation today that involved me talking about how I act towards my parents. The conversation doesn’t matter, but he gave me “homework” for tonight to talk to my dad and be nice.
What a coincidence that today was the day that he said that. But then again, there are no coincidences, right?
So, after considering this plus my state of mind at this stage, I thought, why the fuck not? So I went.

I answered my dad’s questions, I wasn’t mean and I made minimal faces at him while he wasn't looking. That was pretty satisfying, I guess. But something I don’t do often because I seriously can’t. Turns out I shouldn't have gone in the first place since it was totally boring.

5) In the eBook I mentioned, it said something about how you can take control of your life, how you can get everything you desire. It said that once people do this, they’ll never want to just ‘let life happen’ ever again.
And it occurred to me that this is totally wasted on me, because I have no fucking idea what I want. If I can’t decide whether or not I want to go to the observatory or not, how could I possibly decide my own destiny? When my desires all seem to contradict not only each other, but the very essence of life itself..?

6) Another thing I found out... There are supposed to be 12 signs of the zodiac, yeah? Well they're wrong. I am supposed to be a Sagittarius. But at the moment, I'm not.

On your birthday, the sun is meant to be 'in your star sign.' But when people made that up in the 1930s, they didn't know the true cycle of the star signs.

There are really 13 constellations in the cycle. The extra constellation is called Ophiuchus and 'the sun is in it' between the times that Scorpius and Sagittarius are. So I'm close to being it.

But, I'm a Scorpio at the moment. Water, not fire. This is highly disappointing. I mean, it's not like I'm a total believer of the zodiac. But it's something I find interesting, and it's so strange to suddenly find out that what I knew about it is wrong.

Izzy, at the moment you are a Sagittarius. FIRE. Grrr. >{

Tuesday, April 28, 2009 @{ 3:46 PM }

FACT

Remember that thing on Facebook, where you're supposed to write 25 facts about yourself?

And remember how my facts were completely stupid and not about me at all?

Well, I also wrote real facts. Words without the mask of humour to hide their truth.

1. First of all, I am a natural redhead. Even though it's fairly obvious I thought I would say that seeing as people have asked me about it before.
2. Normal conversations don't do anything for me.
3. I hate people in general.
4. That most likely includes whoever is bothering to read this.
5. Actually, I hate everything in general.
6. Except alcohol.
7. And dreamless sleep.
8. Yes, I am online like 297346745273 hours a day.
9. I also read for most of that time.
10. I like being alone.
11. Most of the time, my speech is totally unrelated to my thought process, so, 'no, that is not all I think about'
12. I do not trust people.
13. I have a fucked up sleeping pattern. Particularly during the school terms.
14. I like to think that it is because I procrastinate everything, including waking up.
15. I hate waking up.
16. Or maybe it's because I feel the need to balance school and leisure so I don't go insane. More insane..
17. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if I was suffering from some random mental illness.
18. I don't like silence. Music is my background noise.
19. Weird things amuse me.
20. Pain is nice.
21. I am a pessimist.
22. I'm incredibly lazy, so therefore anything that requires effort is not worth doing.
23. I don't wear makeup 'cause I'm a whore (I'm not a whore =.=), I wear makeup because I hate how I look.
24. People that are stupid &/or happy really annoy me.
25. I'm not like you.

Satisfied?