DEAR DUMB DIARY
SIGNS
I keep seeing, hearing things everywhere. The kind of things that are supposedly coincidences. But I swear they’re trying to tell me something. They’re screaming at me, trying to get my attention. Or maybe I’m just seeing things, trying to convince myself that something that doesn’t exist is trying to tell me something I want to hear. That something, somewhere out there is trying to guide me.
Are they signs, or have I just gained some hyperawareness for the subject since I've thought about it?
And even though I believe in this form of guidance that probably is just an over-active imagination, I can't bring myself to believe in a God. Because if I do believe that some greater being is in control of everything, I can't help but think that all these things are here just to punish me.
TarotMother dearest found her tarot cards and gave them to me for some reason, though I never asked.
Anyway, I tried to use them, asking about
- Life in general- Life - romantically
...
Romantically, my best outcome is represented by The Fool. The Fool is driven by impulse and lack of sense/experiences. That would be my
best outcome. But surely an outcome that will never manifest.
However, my final outcome is represented by Justice. For both 'questions', if you can call them that.
But Justice for who? Me, or everyone else? Who’s opinion of justice? Mine, or theirs? What
is their opinion? I know what I think they think, but is that really what they think?
This leads me to one final question:
What is justice?Do you ever find that posting your inane thoughts on a blog somehow causes them to lose meaning? In my head, they seem thoughtful. But if I post them on here, they seem like a bunch of stupid words, desperate for acknowledgement.
They seem stupid, because I realise people who read it probably won’t understand them the way I do.
They won’t understand them, because they’re not me.
Or maybe they will understand them. But they're still not me.
SHOOT ME 
Saturday Night (i.e. last night):Midnight to dawn (6am) @ Zone 3
With Drew, Nathan, Martin, Carl and several other people- After the first game, this girl was trying to sleep on the ground. So, you’d expect that she’d be pretty slow in the next game, right? Wrong. She was completely psycho. For most of the game she was chasing me and swearing at me. We asked her how she suddenly got so energetic and she said, “Because of the darkness,” or something like that. Lol. She’s energetic in the dark ;)
- Afterwards, she apologised profusely for swearing at me. She said she loves me (of course)
- Sometime within the next couple of hours she retreated to her car to sleep.
- Nathan was asking many stupid questions to the
(old&fat) guy that was working. At one stage he said he was waiting for him to ask him out. The guy said, “Unfortunately, I’m married.”
But then I think he said, “Nah, that’s just my excuse. Honestly, he’s too ugly for me.”
Lol, what a bitch.
- When that guy was making dancelike movements, Drew pretended to grope him.
- Okay, witch. I know you want to know about him. One guy playing
(that also works at Zone 3) looked like a witch. He has long witch hair and a crooked nose. While stroking his chin he looked like a witch. While making hand gestures he looked like a witch, casting a spell. When he slumped while walking, he looked like a witch. I told him several times that he looks like a witch. I think he was offended...
But OMG, Nathan didn’t even think that he looked like a witch. And Drew thinks he looks like one of the Aphex Twin guys... (Like the supposed little kids in the clip ‘Come To Daddy’)
- Anyway,
he is my new best friend. His name is Andrew and I have his number HAHAHAHA.
- Drew says we should make a real-life RPG in which Andrew is the witch. I dunno what I am o_o
The games... were so much better than normal ones.
- Standards – three teams, kill each other and each others’ bases.
- ‘Colours’ – pretty much three separate games. You only kill people the same colour as you plus the normal bases. If you kill people on the other teams then you lose points.
- Free for all – everyone has 6 lives.
- Vampire – Someone starts as a vampire. They have faster shooting speeds and get stunned for less time. Everyone else is a civilian with 6 lives. The first two people to lose their 6 lives become vampires.
- Predator – Like vampire, but the predator doesn’t infect other people. Their pack has no lights. My lovely witch friend was the predator. HE WASN’T A VERY GOOD FRIEND TO ME. Martin, Nathan, Drew and I were hiding, but he came and interrupted our orgy! How rude...
- Some other game – everyone has 6 lives, there are teams. A person from each team was picked to be a traitor, so pretty much their aim was to kill everyone, especially their own team. I was the traitor in this. I’m a terrible traitor... I completely died after like 2 minutes, and I only killed two of my team mates.
- Fortress – the light zone is the fortress. The game consists of a hostage, terrorists and a SWAT team. The terrorists and their hostage are in the fortress. The SWAT team aims to rescue the hostage. Every time they enter the fortress and are deactivated, they have to go back to the dark zone before they can keep shooting.
- A game in which we were meant to actually defend our bases. I think after a while everyone gave up defending them...
Reloads come into these games somewhere, but I can’t remember which ones. They’re starting to blur together. Anyway, with reloads, you don’t have unlimited ammo, so every 30 (or other amount) shots, you have to go to one of the three reload places and stand under the light.
Can’t remember any other games.
Aaaaah, so awesome.
Then, afterwards, we went to McDonalds. Who happens to be working at the cash register at that time? Ellie. Just after 6am. Haha.. Not sure if she saw me though.
Also, when we were driving past, there was some guy, in a suit, sleeping (dead?) against the fence with barbed wires surrounding that place...
Then when we were walking home from where Carl dropped us off, there was some super old man riding his bike. He had pretty sexy socks...
Anyway, that’s it. That took a longggg time to write. And I’m still not tired. Yet I sort of am... But I’m so awake. I slept for about an hour and a half last night before we went, but that’s it.
Also, the picture obviously isn't actually laser tag. But... Close enough?
Oh, did I forget to mention I pretty much mega-ly failed in all the games?
Labels: laser tag
BEHIND CRIMSON EYES
I can’t sleep. I should be able to, but I can’t. So while I’m awake I may as well recount the past two nights. In two separate posts, since they're pretty long..
Friday Night:Behind Crimson Eyes @ Manning Bar, USYD
With Drew, Nathan, Will, Oskar and his friend, Cameron- This doesn’t really have anything to do with the concert, but Oskar and Cameron were telling us how at their school
(all guys) there are lots of homosexuals. They apparently give each other head in the bathrooms.
- We had something that said
‘Half price cock’ on it (torn out from something – red rooster? Adult shop? I have no idea.) Drew walked around with it tucked into his pants. I don’t think anyone saw that though. Then they put it on some fat girl’s shoulder. She subsequently
leaned over the barrier and it fell on the other side.
- The Mission In Motion, Ellington, Sleep Parade and Behind Crimson Eyes were meant to play. But Ellington didn’t come :o
- The Mission in Motion’s vocalist does not look at all as I would have imagined... Aaahs, look. -->
- Sleep Parade’s drummer looked like he was having multiple orgasms while playing.
- Some bald man (who was probably like 40) came and started dancing (in old man style... kind of) to the music while undoing his cuffs and untucking his pink shirt from his pants. Maaaan, what a party animal! I think Nathan went and danced with him for like one second.
- There was some chick that had a somewhat visible moustache. Of course, the guys thought this was totally hilarious and just HAD to take a picture of her. They weren’t very subtle about it... She turned around several times partially covering her face. In the end they got a decent picture though. They nicknamed her ‘man-lady.’
- Behind Crimson Eyes were pretty amazing. At the beginning I was in the mosh, but after like one song I somehow got pushed out of it.
- While they were in between songs, Josh (vocalist) said, “We all have swine flu because we had sex with pigs.”
The guitarist (Aaron?) responds saying something like, “You should stop referring to your mother as a pig.”
- In some song when Josh pretty much gave the microphone to the crowd, Oskar sung into it, I think. He was terrible.
- Cameron was extremely excited afterwards. The drummer threw his water bottle into the crowd and he drank out of it. He also caught his spit in his hand... “I didn’t know what it was, but I just reached out and caught it!” For some reason he thinks this is a good thing. He says that this means he practically kissed the drummer.
- Josh told him to fuck off, as he was trying to touch his tag. He also finds this exciting.
- He claims he practically lost his virginity. Apparently his balls were rubbing against someone. He doesn’t know, nor care who was touching him. He also was touching some girl.
- Afterwards, he asked Aaron for his beanie. He got it. While he and Oskar were running, Oskar’s wallet fell out of his pocket. Drew offered it to Aaron, haha. Aaron took it. But then Oskar got it back.
- We got a photo with Josh (as you can tell). In the first one I wasn’t really in it because I was behind everyone, so we got another.
- Oskar got his stomach signed... ?
- As Josh was leaving there was a lovely group hug. I wasn’t really in it though. I didn’t fit :(
That’s about it... Got home a bit before 2am.
Not sure if all of that makes much sense, but there you go.
Labels: concert
OBSERVATION
Random thoughts/occurrences I would like to share:
1) For some reason throughout this past week I keep getting this feeling that I’ve forgotten something. Or lost something. My mind? No... Not this week.
This week, it would be more accurate for me to say that I’ve found my mind. Oh, but I'll lose it again soon enough.
2) A couple of days ago, I heard someone on the bus talking. I won’t say who it was or who they were referring to because it’s totally irrelevant, but anyhow (please excuse the overdramatic documentation of this one-sided conversation):
“LIKE OH MY GOD, she like never talks to me. It’s so because she thinks she’s too good for me. But she’s NOT too good for me!!1!!111!!!!!”
These three sentences (though I’m fairly sure the speaker drew out these three sentences into about ten) make me sick. Ughhh, I could say more about this but I won't bother. Can you say conceited bitch?
And I know that to some extent we are all guilty of talking like this, feeling like this. And that’s sad, sad, sad. It just confirms the fact that we are all irrevocably fucked.
3) Moving on... I received my lovely CD containing several eBooks about Wicca/other ‘magickal’ topics. From eBay.
Somehow just reading about gemstones made me feel so calm and comfortable. Inner peace. Thoughts were going through my mind that I never would have expected to think of – they were way too positive. It put me in kind of a meditative state.
4) I was deciding whether or not I wanted to go to the observatory with my dad and his atheist friends (I wanted to go because I couldn’t remember what the observatory was like, but I didn’t want to be stuck with my dad.)
Actually, I wasn’t really deciding. I can’t even decide a simple thing like that. No, I had to ask other people whether I should.
Then I remembered Tazman and I had a conversation today that involved me talking about how I act towards my parents. The conversation doesn’t matter, but he gave me “homework” for tonight to talk to my dad and be nice.
What a coincidence that today was the day that he said that. But then again, there are no coincidences, right?
So, after considering this plus my state of mind at this stage, I thought, why the fuck not? So I went.
I answered my dad’s questions, I wasn’t mean and I made minimal faces at him while he wasn't looking. That was pretty satisfying, I guess. But something I don’t do often because I seriously can’t. Turns out I shouldn't have gone in the first place since it was totally boring.
5) In the eBook I mentioned, it said something about how you can take control of your life, how you can get everything you desire. It said that once people do this, they’ll never want to just ‘let life happen’ ever again.
And it occurred to me that this is totally wasted on me, because I have no fucking idea what I want. If I can’t decide whether or not I want to go to the observatory or not, how could I possibly decide my own destiny? When my desires all seem to contradict not only each other, but the very essence of life itself..?
6) Another thing I found out... There are supposed to be 12 signs of the zodiac, yeah? Well they're wrong. I am supposed to be a Sagittarius. But at the moment, I'm not.
On your birthday, the sun is meant to be 'in your star sign.' But when people made that up in the 1930s, they didn't know the true cycle of the star signs.
There are really 13 constellations in the cycle. The extra constellation is called Ophiuchus and 'the sun is in it' between the times that Scorpius and Sagittarius are. So I'm close to being it.
But, I'm a Scorpio at the moment. Water, not fire. This is highly disappointing. I mean, it's not like I'm a total believer of the zodiac. But it's something I find interesting, and it's so strange to suddenly find out that what I knew about it is wrong.
Izzy, at the moment you are a Sagittarius. FIRE. Grrr. >{
I keep seeing, hearing things everywhere. The kind of things that are supposedly coincidences. But I swear they’re trying to tell me something. They’re screaming at me, trying to get my attention. Or maybe I’m just seeing things, trying to convince myself that something that doesn’t exist is trying to tell me something I want to hear. That something, somewhere out there is trying to guide me.
I can’t sleep. I should be able to, but I can’t. So while I’m awake I may as well recount the past two nights. In two separate posts, since they're pretty long..
leaned over the barrier and it fell on the other side.
Random thoughts/occurrences I would like to share: