DEAR DUMB DIARY
I've seen people doing that 30 day letter challenge. No, I am not going to actually do it. But it got me thinking of what I would say... And well, I may as well.
Dear Best FriendI don't know, I really don't.
There was a time when I thought you should have been there. Thought you should have noticed I needed you. Why did you wait to offer me your help until I'd found someone else to help me? Only then did you say anything and even act as though you valued me in your life. When I was slipping even further away from you, and towards someone else. When you were losing me.
It rarely feels like you're my best friend. It's hard not to wonder if we're really friends at all, or if we're just kidding ourselves pretending. But you seem to be the only one somewhat interested in having the status of a best friend to me. So I guess that in itself makes you the one that gets it.
It's almost as if it's past repair at this stage now. Our conversations mostly feel forced and awkward, with you leaving the closeness of our relationship completely up to me. Do I want to come? Honestly, no. I want to run and sink into the safety of my sheets. But I might want to come if you seemed like you wanted me there. You could decide for me. I want you to want me there... Maybe you do, but are sick of offering and getting rejected. Or maybe not, for whatever reasons. I can't tell the difference.
We have this weird kind of relationship where sometimes you're my favourite person in the world and we're close and I feel like you're there, really there. And you have ended up in many of my most valued memories this way. But then the other half of the time I just feel so... angry. At you. Why does it seem like all these other people are more important to you than I am? Why are you completely ignoring me? I know you can't give me all of your attention. And I know I definitely don't deserve all of your attention. But still, it's difficult to comprehend...
Yeah, a lot of the time I kind of hate you. Hate that you can fuck with me like this when you're just trying to keep everyone satisfied. Hate that you're so goddamn good with people that everyone naturally loves you. Always the favourite, and I'm just left behind in your shadow. It's a terrible reason to hate you, I know. But then it makes me wonder; if I hate you, what are you giving them that you're not giving me? How, exactly, do you manage to keep all these people loving you when it simply hurts too much for me to be your friend? Maybe it does come down to needing to sacrifice someone from your life so you have enough space for all the rest.
It's hard to maintain our friendship. Hard to go for a few weeks without it fucking up somehow, forming this coldness and indifference. It just creates this cycle. You hurt me, I hurt you, you hurt me... On and on. I am so fucking sick of it, but I don't see this cycle ever ending. It shouldn't be this difficult. Best friends shouldn't have to try. They should be willing to, if need be, but it shouldn't be a requirement like it is for us. And I'm just not sure if I am willing. I don't know if I want to try... There are times when I feel as though I've completely given up on my friendship with you. Almost wish it were that easy.
I hate it.
